guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
