I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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