now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
