He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
