she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
