I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
