It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
