i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
