Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
