Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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