I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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