my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
