oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
