my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
