You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
