if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He did a backflip because drugs
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