If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
