Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
