I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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