I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Im part way to drunk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
