i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
