i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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