Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
