The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
