This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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