He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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