I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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