I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
