Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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