Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
