I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
