This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
