the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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