I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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