I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
