Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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