Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
