There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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