thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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