The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
