I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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