his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
