Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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