The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
