Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
