I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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