Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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