"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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