oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
