how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think my moral compass just broke
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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