she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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