If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
