his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
