You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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