The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
