oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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