This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
