we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
