i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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